A Town Called Heck
by kemicalava
Summary: Bob goes to AC, but he's not your innocent littlekid gamer. Where's he going...? Heck, of course! Nook is exposed as his retarded self, and people get what they deserve! written a few years ago, edited. Will this town survive this kid named an expletive?
1. Chapter 1

Animal Crossing: A Really Wild World

wrote this for my br and sis a few years ago

see end for explanation about the EXPLETIVE DELETEDs

i don't own AC. i don't even own a town. that's bob.

Chapter One: Bob's in h(eck)!

enter Bob: on a train

Bob: good grief. i mean, who rides trains these days?!

Lightning flashes.

Bob: EXPLETIVE DELETED ! I better go speak with the driver..

Bob gets out of his seat and runs up to the driver.

Bob: Hey man! It's lightning! And you just passed the rest stop!  
Driver: so?

Bob: SO?! You've got a EXPLETIVE DELETEDing metal rod on top of this thing!!  
Driver: I don't give a EXPLETIVE DELETED !  
Bob: AAUGH! You have to stop! We'll be fried!  
Driver: sit down and shut up!!!

Bob: (long stream of bad words) so lemme off this freakin  
Driver: AW SH----

Bob: FINE! 

Bob storms out of the room and makes a rude hand gesture at the driver as he leaves.

He sits down and lights a cigarette.

Bob: EXPLETIVE DELETEDing driver...

Bob: the first day I get on the road, and it's raining!!! and on top of that, a EXPLETIVE DELETEDing metal rod..

BZAP! 

Bob blacks out.

Bob: guuh...what happened?

Bob: Whoa...wha? AH! AAAH! This isn't the right train!!!

Rover comes out of the phone calling booth, and looks around. He sees Bob and looks elated. He walks right over, not taking his gaze off Bob.

Bob: AAAH! It's a demented big-headed CAT!  
Rover: Hiya. Mind if I sit here?

Bob: whoa. check out the text box. where'd that come from?

Bob: uh..."NO WAY!"

Rover: Oh, good. It's nice to know there's still plenty of rude people in the world. Know what? I'm gonna sit down anyway!

Bob: ...why?

Rover: I don't know why I'm asking but...what's your name?

Bob: what? oh, sweet! I can make up a name!  
Bob: Let's see...

Bob: It's EXPLETIVE DELETED !  
Rover: EXPLETIVE DELETED ? That's an odd name..

Bob: (psycho cat.)

Rover: What I mean is, do you like the name EXPLETIVE DELETED?

Bob: It's cute!  
Rover: Oh! I'm sorry! It's a very cute name for a very cute girl.

Bob: YOU ING IDIOT!!! I'M A BOY!  
Rover: Oh! I'm so sorry! Of course you're a boy.

EXPLETIVE DELETED : (this could actually be fun...)  
Rover: So, EXPLETIVE DELETED , where are you headed?

E/D : duh. I'm going to h(eck).

Rover: Oh! Really? h(eck) is one of my favorite vacation spots!  
E/D : I could tell from the start.

Rover: So, why are you moving to h(eck)?

E/D : I'm not moving, freak.

Rover: Have you found a place to settle?

E/D : uh...

Rover: Don't tell me you haven't found a place to live!  
E/D : you better believe it.

Rover: Wait right here. I'm gonna go call my bud who lives in h(eck). He sells houses dirt cheap.

E/D : so, he's like, the devil?

Rover: I'm sure he can hook you up!  
E/D : sure, whatever.

Rover gets up and leaves. E/D makes a rude hand gesture and puts his feet on the other seat. He pulls out a black iPod and puts it up to the max, listening to rap.

When Rover comes back, he sits down on E/D's legs.

E/D : OW!!!!YOU FREAK! GET OFF!  
Rover: Well, I called Nook---

The rest of the conversation is ignored as E/D flails around trying to remove Rover's hindquarters from his legs.

Rover: Oh! We're almost there! Well, I hope I see you soon!  
E/D : Well I don't !!! 

E/D stands up and goes to the door while the monkeys try and make him sit down until the train stops. He throws them out the window.

So that is how...E/D goes to hll.

E/D : whoa...this is it? I always pictured it as like...having flames and death and such.

Tom Nook appears. E/D makes a rude hand gesture at him and yells " EXPLETIVE DELETED you!"

Tom Nook: Oh! You must be EXPLETIVE DELETED!  
E.D : haha you said a bad word.

Tom Nook: It took me a while to get here. I'm not in the best shape of my life...

E.D : EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!!! you're fat!!!!  
Tom Nook: I say, moving to a town before you have found a place to live! It's ridiculous! Wahahaha!  
E/D : Are you laughing at me?

Nook: wahahaha still laughing

E/D: DIE! 

" E/D " starts beating Nook up. Several villagers in h(eck) start to clap vigorously.

Nook: Ow! Ow! I beg your pardon!  
E/D : I don't give a EXPLETIVE DELETED about your pardon!!!

E/D stops beating up Nook when Nook stops breathing. The villagers fall silent and a few cross their fingers.

Suddenly, Nook pops up.

Nook: HA! I fooled you!

In the distance, a villager swears loudly and stomps his foot and several moan in despair. 

E/D : whatever. what do you have to say to me?

Nook: Well, you obviously need a place to stay.

E/D : no...not really...i can be a hobo, you know--

Nook: And I sell houses! Come follow me!

E/D : how about not.

Against his will, E/D starts walking after Nook.

E/D : AAAAAAAH! FREAK MENTAL MIND WAVES!!! 

Nook: hehe. Come see these lovely houses!  
E/D : WHAT THE ! THESE AREN'T HOUSES THEY'RE FING BOXES!!!  
Nook: Choose one and go inside!  
E/D : well EXPLETIVE DELETED you.

At last E/D chooses a house. It has a yellow roof.

E/D : deleted comment comparing the color of the roof to waste products

Nook: Hey I picked that color out myself!!!

E/D : it figures

Nook: Go in! And please...bear in mind that it's a little...hm, how you say...cozy! yes cozy!  
E/D : "cozy", my

He goes inside. The house has a steel floor and concrete walls.

E/D : sweeet. it may not be much but at least they have ... what the EXPLETIVE DELETED! a freakin tape deck! how OUTDATED are these freaks!!!

He comes out.

Nook: so did you like it?

E/D : it was crap.

Nook: Good!

Nook: Now I will slowly kill you with a long explanation!  
E/D : YES! BOO YEAH! I'M SO PSYCHED!!! 

Nook: ...wow. that's the first time anyone ever reacted that way.

E/D : i was being SARCASTIC you freak.

Nook: ok. LISTEN CLOSE

blah blah blah

During the long, excrutiating explanation E/D starts to pick his nose and stare at his house. He amuses himself by making rude gestures at villagers walking by.

One returns the gesture and E/D starts screaming profane things at him. The villager hurries away, but E/D continues to chase him off with obscene phrases.

Nook: AHEM! are you through!

E/D : yeah

Nook: oh, good. now..

Nook: obviously you can't expect me to furnish the place for you--

E/D : hold it gramps! If I'm buyin a house i need furniture!!!

Nook: ...

Nook: why would YOU need furniture?

E/D : to throw at people

Nook: oh i see. that's why i like it too.

E/D : hey, that's MY thing

Nook: Well who cares?! oh yeah that wierd thing by the door there...

Nook: that would be your personal Gyroid assistant.

E/D : what the EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!!  
Nook: I know, isn't it lovely?

E/D : it's freakin freakish, dude...but wait!!!  
E/D : so like, this thing is my slave?

Nook: uh yyyeeah, if you want to think of it that way...

E/D : awesome. go kill that person over there.

Nook: Hey you can't do that!!!  
E/D : watch and i can prove you wrong

Nook: no you don't understand!!!  
E/D ?

Nook: you see...**I** tried that when I got my first gyroid!!!

E/D : uh

Nook: It's anchored to the ground.

E/D : oh EXPLETIVE DELETED. of all the luck

Nook: hey EXPLETIVE DELETED, are you talking to yourself?

E/D : no why?

Nook: cuz you just said your own name

E/D : oh yeah. want me to say it again?

Nook: sure why not?

E/D : ok, E/D E/D E/D E/D E/D

Nook: what a nice name.

E/D : (idiot) 

Nook: now, the final cost comes to...19,800 bells! 

E/D : what?

Nook: ahem, the final cost comes to--

E/D : no wait. what are bells?

Nook: ...what...are...bellls?!?!?!

E/D : yeah. bells.

Nook starts foaming at the mouth. He screams and runs around the house in circles until he flops over and dies. Apparently he got a shock from people who didn't know what money was.

E/D : OH SWEET! HE DIED!  
Nook: HEY

E/D : oh E/D he's still alive.

Nook: that's better. now, the BELLS!  
E/D : so what are they

Nook: GAAH! MONEY!!!  
E/D : YEAH GO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE AGAIN!!!  
E/D : IF WE'RE LUCKY YOU'LL DIE

Nook: gasp gasp

E/D : it! he's fighting it.

Nook: so. the MONEY!!!  
E/D : what money?  
Nook: the money for the house!  
E/D : what house?

Nook: this one!  
E/D : what's this?  
Nook: your house!  
E/D : oh. if you don't mind i'd like to go in and get some money.

Nook: ok. after all it is your house...

E/D : thanks. (sucker) 

E/D goes in and doesn't come out.

Nook: whistle

Nook checks his watch, shrugs, and pulls out a pink iPod.

He checks his watch after the sun sets.

Nook: hey ! it's time to come out with my MONEY!  
E/D : just a sec, I'm using the bathroom!

Nook: oh, ok.

The next day at sunrise, Nook suddenly remembers one critical piece of information.

Nook: Wait...there IS no bathroom in there!!!  
Nook: alright!! come out!  
E/D : how about not?

Nook: I'll - I'll - I'll burn the house down!!!  
E/D : go ahead. I don't care.

Nook: HA!

Nook: (to himself): I'm such a clever raccoon. He'll burn like a log in there!!! 

Nook runs and gets a few matches from his store. E/D plays solitaire while he waits. Nook comes back panting, but holding a match.

He strikes it and it lights.

Nook: ok, E/D , I gave you a chance to get out. Now, PREPARE TO BURN! 

But before he can carry out the intended threat, a single raindrop coincidentally falls right on the tip of the matchstick.

Nook: OH E/D! What were the odds of that?!

Nook runs back to the store, having stupidly left the other matches there. E/D shrugs and starts building a card tower. (From where he gets the cards to do this I have no idea.)

Nook: NOW PREPARE TO BURN! 

A raindrop again falls, but Nook whips out a tiny paper umbrella and shields it, causing the drop to harmlessly soak into the umbrella. However, the impact of the drop hitting the umbrella caused it to flop onto the match...and unfortunately, it was a drop of gasoline...

Nook: HA! 

Nook stands laughing evilly for a few minutes ignoring the heat emnating from the raging flame.

Nook: Is it hot out here or is it just me?

E/D:I'm pretty sure it's just you...

Nook: AAAAAAH! 

For the next few minutes, Nook runs around screaming with a burning umbrella, causing several villagers to have heart attacks and die. Along the way he sets the lake on fire (although that is scientifically impossible) and burns his clothes off.

At last he goes back to the shop and gets a new towel-thingy and new matches.

Nook: NOW...for the 3rd time...PREPARE TO BURN!!!  
E/D : Have you grasped the fact that I've been preparing to burn for two straight hours?

Nook: laugh while you can...before you BURN! 

He lights the match and sets fire to the house. E/D climbs out the window while Nook laughs maliciously. E/D grabs the tape deck and orange box and chucks them at Nook before running to the shop.

Nook: OW! 

Nook runs to the shop, swearing as every other step is punctuated by the CLUNK! CLUNK! of the orange box unfortunately stuck on his foot.

When he returns, E/D is in his secret supply of Haloween candy, wearing a Skull shirt.

Nook: What are you doing?!

E/D : taking advantage of your stupidity

Nook: oh. ok.

Nook: HEY! Get over here! 

E/D shrugs and continues to eat the candy. Nook searches in his desk and finds an axe that was originally for Lobo. He advances toward the candy-eating pest and prepares to smite the head off the teen's shoulders.

E/D : Oh, get real. Like I didn't notice that.

Nook: E/D ! Well, stand up and listen before I chop your head off anyway.

E/D stands up and takes the axe right out of his paws. Nook swears and tries to compose himself.

Nook: Well...where was I? Oh yeah. You burned your house down!

E/D : no. you burned it.

Nook: well you just wasted 19,800 bells!  
E/D : uh no i didn't.

Nook: yes! that was your house.

E/D : uhhh...I never paid for it.

Nook: what?

E/D : before I paid for it, you set fire to it.

Nook stands for a few minutes contemplating this. Awful realization settles in.

Nook: AW !!!!!! 

E/D watches in fascination as Nook rants and rages.

Nook: I don't care! Just pick another one!

E/D : ok. the one next to it.

Nook: fine. now, long explanation!  
E/D : too bad for you. I already heard it.

Nook: E/D. Oh well. So now, the money!

E/D : what money!  
Nook: the money for the house!  
E/D : what house?

Nook: aw for pete's sake forget it. Let's not do that all over again.

E/D : Yeah! Let's! I liked the part where you set the umbrella on fire!  
Nook: (scowl) Just gimme the money.

E/D : oh...see... there's ONE teensy problem.

Nook: what?!  
E/D : I don't have any..

Nook: But that's impossible!!! You get a free 1,000 bells at the start of the game!  
E/D : Oh, that. I spent it on weed.

Nook: dang it. Then you owe me 19,800 bells.

E/D : so what are you gonna do?

Nook: contemplate for a few hours.

E/D : ok. while you do that, can I go terrorize villagers?  
Nook: OH YES! Here's what we'll do!  
E/D : burn the town down?  
Nook: no, this is a better idea.

E/D : oh, oh! I know! set off an atomic bomb!  
Nook: How about, to repay your debt, you work here part-time!

**if the EXPLETIVE DELETED get annoying i'm sorry...but i wrote this a long time ago...and i was afraid to swear... and now I'm too lazy to fix it.**

**If you flame it for the EXPLETIVE DELETED i'll change it, but i'll get depressed...and i don't know what to rate this...i'm just gonna say "t" because of drug references...**

**even though i wasn't "t" when i wrote this...watever**

thanx if u decide to review --kemicalava


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Working for Nook

Nook stands in a halo of light, stars in his eyes, at this wonderful idea.

: ...what kind of crappy idea is that?!

The halo cracks. The lights go off and the record playing the music starts to break down.

Nook: I thought it was a great idea!  
: who gives a what you think?! Why don't you give me the house for free?  
Nook: Because then...I wouldn't have any employees besides my two retarded and suspiciously motherless children who insist on having their own floor.

: I don't care what family problems you have. You're fired.

Nook: What?! sob

: oh for crying out loud!!!  
Nook: oh. where was I? oh yeah. You owe me 19,800 bells now.

: uhh...where the am I gonna get that kind of money?

Nook: Go sell the house! 

Nook: what's wrong with that?!  
: (no comment)  
: ok, let's move on. so what do you want me to do as your worker?

Nook: ok. first, you must wear a uniform.

: what the ?! no way!  
Nook: here you go.

Nook hands a pink shirt.

: IT'S FREAKIN PINK!  
Nook: no it's not! that's just the clothing symbol!  
: whew. but I don't care. I'm not wearing it.

Nook: you will.

: i won't .

Nook: WILL.

: WONT!  
Nook: Do you want ME to dress you?!

: OH NOOO! YOU FREAK! (long rant of how wrong that would be)  
Nook: then GO DRESS!  
!

: sure, I'll just go outside.

runs outside and drops it on the ground. He comes back in.

Nook: what did you do with your uniform? that was store property, you know!  
: You'll never see it again! I swear, a giant flame-breathing monster ate it right out of my hands!  
Nook: Oh great! Now I have to give you another one! Make sure you don't lose this one!  
: I promise! I'll take good care of it! 

...this is continued for 99 times until Nook finally gives up.

Nook: OKAY! ALRIGHT! I GIVE UP! YOU CAN WEAR WHAT YOU WANT!  
: SWEET!

runs down the the tailor's and makes a shirt that says "Nook's a !"

He comes back and salutes.

Nook: Whew. I'm so glad you're not wearing that skull shirt anymore.

Nook: You're actually a very creative child and you've designed your own outfit!  
: so you like it?

Nook: It's great! I want to buy one! 

Nook runs down to the tailor's and gets a whole set of shirts. He displays them in his shop instead of his usual clothes. He ditches the towel-thing and wears the shirt.

A few minutes later animals start rushing in and fight over the two on display. They hold death matches to see who gets the shirt. Others buy signboards and put the design on them all around the town.

Nook: Why, you've started a trend! You'll be so popular! 

While he's talking, makes rude hand gestures at people leaving the shop who didn't buy the shirt.

Nook: So, the first thing I want you to do is put flowers all around the shop.

: ...why?

Nook: Cuz I'll pay you for it!  
: no, why do you want the flowers around the shop?

Nook: because everyone loves flowers and the flowers shall draw them to my shop!  
: uh...ok...if it's one step closer to getting rid of you...

Nook: here you go...what?! Your pockets are full!  
: what pockets?

opens up the menu screen and quickly shuts it, afraid that Nook will see the contents.

Nook: I can't give you the flowers and baby trees if you don't have room!  
: what if I carried them in my hands?

Nook: NO. that...would violate...something.

: ok. I'll clean them out.

goes out and unloads all the merchandise he stole from Nook's shop. He puts them beside the uniforms.

Nook: Well, that's better. Here you go!  
: thanks, dude...i guess...

steps out and plants one flower by Nook's shop. However, Nook passes gas and the stench drifts out the door and kills the plant.

: well that was really a waste of time. Hey, I know! 

runs to the back of the shop and puts all the plants by the shop. He pulls out a match and a giant bonfire starts. A thunderstorm comes and puts it out. Unfortunately all there is left is charcoal. shrugs and spreads it all around the shop. From a distance, villagers see the ominous black smoke coming from the shop and decide that it is a place of sheer evil and a tourist takes a picture. The newsboard reads, "Nook's shop: is it safe?"

At last goes back to the shop.

Nook: Great job! I'm sure we'll be the talk of the town now!  
: boo yeah. I'm sure.

Nook, I just realized...

Nook: It's your first day in h(eck), isn't it? You don't know anyone, right?

: ...I know that guy Lobo, who I flipped off--

Nook: So I'm going to give you a break!

: YES!!!  
Nook: now go meet all the townsfolk, including the mayor. That would show some class.

: wait...if you're forcing to meet everyone ...that's not a break.

Nook: It's a Nook break. Get used to it.

: WELL YOU! 

At last leaves and makes a rude gesture at Nook. Then he goes off and finds a map. He makes a checklist of all the people. Then he heads to the first house.

: AW MAN! IT'S A ...

Jane?

: Hideous...beast?

Jane: I'm a gorilla, you freak! ( hot freak!)  
: uh

Jane: So you've obviously come for an autograph. (he's a fan of mine! how wonderful! )

: NO I WANTED TO SAY I HATE YOU!  
Jane: Well, I'm relaxing right now so I can't. Too bad for you!  
: OH YEAH! BOO YES!  
Jane: whatever. so what do you want?

: uhh...I have to meet you.

Jane: Ok. My name is Jane. Isn't it cool?

: I knew that.

Jane: Oh oops! I didn't realize you thought my name was cool already!  
: no. I knew your name.

Jane: ooh hoo hoo! It was fate that brought you to me, then!

:...it's on the text box. in the pink bubble.

Jane?

: forget it!!! I met you! there! you! 

stalks off in a bad mood. Jane waves goodbye and blows him a kiss.

Jane: sigh. he was kinda cute, too..

: (WAS that a gorilla? Or was she faking it? I couldn't tell.)

So he goes to the next house, across a bridge.

: WHOA! It's a purple cat!

Bob: Hi. I like to sleep.

: you know, I do too.

Bob: I like to eat.

: yeah.

Bob: I like apples.

: I like beer.

Bob: Will you be my friend?

: Alright. We can get drunk on starry nights and meet hot chicks together!  
Bob: cool...Z (whatever...)

He goes to the next house. It is surrounded by an electric fence and says: I'm out right now. Please come back later.

: whatever.

knocks over the "electric" fence and bashes the door in. Lobo is sitting mooning over a picture of Phyllis. He drops it and it shatters when he sees .

Lobo: HEY! What are you doing in my house?!  
: meeting you. Goodbye.

Lobo: HEY FIX MY DOOR

: WHY DON'T YOU, ba very obscene termd?! 

runs out the door and makes a rude gesture at Lobo. Then he goes to the next house. It is a nice house surrounded by flowers and a few drooling tourists.

goes inside.

When he goes in, a beautiful young puppy is cooking some pasta in a ranch-styled home. She turns to face him and blushes.

Cookie: Oh! You surprised me! My name's Cookie!  
: ...drool.

Cookie: What's your name?

: It's Kyle!  
Cookie: Kyle...that's an odd name.

Kyle: I like yours better too!  
Cookie: You do?

Kyle: Yeah! Wanna go out with me?

Cookie: uh

Kyle: Great. Let's go to the lake tonight at 9. I'll pick you up!  
Cookie: That's...great!

Kyle: Sweet. I'll see you then.

Kyle goes out and screams " yes!" Then he goes to the next house. From outside, he can hear twangy country music playing.

: uh...ok...

He goes in.

: what the ?!?!  
Goose: Howdy! My name's Goose!  
: AAAH! BUT...

:You're a chicken.

Goose: yup! what's your name, pardner?

: it's .

Goose: Cool! That digs!  
: I'm gonna leave now...

Goose: Hold your horses, pardner!  
: why do you keep saying 'pardner?'

Goose: Did you know that if you bury a fruit...

Goose: It'll make a tree?

: (sarcastically) NO!  
Goose: Well, it's really useful. You should plant some.

: whatever!!!

Goose: Of course, you need a shovel...

: SHUT UP! 

leaves hastily and doesn't look back. Then he meets a whole bunch of other people who don't matter and gets done with them.

: ok...one more person...the mayor.

Finally, he makes it to the wishing well after getting lost in h(eck) for quite some time. He spots Tortimer and makes a mad dash for the old guy.

: AHA! THE MAYOR!  
Tortimer: Eh? whippersnapper?

: what the ?!  
Tortimer: You! Tell me who you respect the most!  
: duh...myself!  
Tortimer: ...I weep for the younger generation.

: and I for the old.

Tortimer: Well, anytime a holiday comes around, come see me. I'm sure I'll have something to pass on.

: ...free...stuff? SURE!  
: So I'm assuming Nook hasn't heard about this?

Tortimer: Yeah. If he did it would all be gone.

: ...yes


End file.
